I may have finally reached my breaking point. After 24 years I think I might have finally lost my patience with people, and the things they do. I remember the first time I was lied to. I was five when I first discovered that Santa Claus wasn't real. The little white lie that most parents tell their children snowballed into a full blown scandal. I couldn't believe that they would lie to me about something so arbitrary, and too this day I am still filled the same sense of betrayal when someone goes back on their word.
My trust issues are much more layered and deep now, but they seem to unravel every part of my life. Friends went behind my back and spread rumors, or abandoned me in a time of need, but things really escalated when I was 15. A group of friends thought it would be funny to force me to allow my crush to feel me up. When you make someone feel guilty their most common rebuttal is to blame everything on you, so when I started balling my eyes out they informed me that it was for my own good. No one will ever love a prude like you.
I recovered and started making new friends and connections. Then one night when I was 18 one of my friend convinced me to go back to his room on the promise that we weren't going to have sex. He lied, and I left that night a shattered girl. It took years for me to become the whole woman I am today.
After years of failed friendships and relationships I have to admit there is still a piece missing. I have difficulty opening up to people because some people don't enjoy talking about my miseries. I would wait until at least three months into a relationship to start emotional intimacy, but people would usually break contact after this point.
I started being more transparent after someone told me I shouldn't be ashamed. I told the next guy I dated about being raped and he told me I shouldn't talk about it because it was a sign of weakness. He left immediately after.
The next guy I started seeing begged me to open up to him. He told me that he thought I was amazing and wanted to be there for me even after we broke up. I have been told this many times before, but this time he seemed to make an actual effort. Then he started seeing someone knew and dropped contact with me.
I have dated seven men and have lost five close friends since I turned 18. I really want to have a friend that I can depend on, and who won't judge me for what other people have done to me. I am starting to believe that I should shut myself off from other people emotionally again. I don't know why people take out their anger on me. I don't know why people so often confide in me, and engender trust with me when they have no intention of returning the favor. I don't deserve to be treated like this.