When people see a person whose look and behavior seem funny, they all try to help without knowing what is going on the inside of that person. We don't really know each other and therefore with our badly organized assumptions we just do what we think is right to do. I have been that person for a while now whom people tried to reach to solve a problem which they thought they could fix and which I did not let happen. As many of you would, I have my hearth brokenness and I am very proud of it because without it, I would not be the person who I am now. And until recently I was okay with my being since it was not hurting anyone.
How it began is like a joke which I still cannot make sense of. Last year while I was in college which I consider wonderful time to grow in the way one would want, something happen to me which I would not believe, if it did not happen. I saw a girl as you’d expect and that was it for my suffering to began. I simply fell in love with her. – I can describe how it occurred but what necessary is something else. For that whole semester I was not able to speak to her. Until I moved somewhere else and college and there I was not going to see her anymore but the feeling was the same with the last year. So as it was the case I reached her using a social media platform, saying that there was something I should tell her as to get help. It may sound sick to get help from a person whom you have a crush on, but I never believed in that it would ever be possible for us to be together and it would totally destroy me if it were happen because I knew it will not going to long and therefore should not ever come true. So I texted her and she did not get me wrong and I confessed a few else things like why I was such a d*ck last year. So it ended there and for one week I was okay since I did let go of my feelings. Then another breakdown happen which I end up being in a depression for the first time of my life.
In the class environment and in the dorm people were seemingly expecting me to talk and join them. But I could not because other than confessing to her, in another reality most people did not like my way of talking often showing it by not listening to me so it is like a self-defense mechanism but it is not. As I could not make sense of the emotions I started writing a diary which I did not like much since my thoughts was reflecting on the paper and then I realized I wrote a lot but nothing was changing the feeling was the same. Then I started to use the power of what I call “true honesty”. True honesty is one’s conversation with oneself and or friends where only the truth can be spoken without thinking of the feelings. So it worked. The topics were most of the time simple and rather stupid but I was truly honest. For example we talked about why the friendship exists relating to the nature and later explained as saying “a kind of connection between two alike persons to protect mutual profit.” Then to hang out for us was to help one another forget at least for some time the endless suffering in the World. As we dig deep on the subjects of life, everything looked more simple and the issue of love was gone forever. In our view if it does not involve in negotiation talking was and is useless and action is only right thing that one could do. So we had developed many ideas just to overcome issues and then the importance of the talking perished.
In conclusion, the thing that makes me sad (I don’t confuse sadness with anger anymore) the people’s attention to me. They try to talk, and offer help and the problem is most of the time those are girls who do this. I don’t know if it is pity what they feel but it is, for me, non-sense. -- Yes, still I cannot forget about her and yes I don’t want it to end because it is unique therefore should not go waste.
Thank you for your time. All I wanted to say is if you cannot be honest, don’t offer help at all because sometimes people may just want to talk about things that they cannot normally talk.