I’ve never really thought about writing it all out. But maybe it will help. It’s 4:17 A.M. and I can’t seem to get out of my own head.
I never thought I’d be a girl with an eating disorder, but looking back at even being as young as 10 years old, I had always felt fat. I had a low weight for most of high school and as I came to college I started to gain weight which was normal but terrified me. So I began to starve myself and in situation where I had to eat I would promptly go to the bathroom and force fingers down my throat to fix my mistake. I became anxious and sad for no reason. I couldn’t sleep and I began to self harm. I left school early that semester after I became suicidal and my parents still don’t know what was wrong.
No one in my family knows about my eating disorder. I began sleeping around during the spring semester. I hate myself for it. I just want someone to want me and it seems so stupid now because they didn’t want me. They wanted to use me. And I let them. The one time I didn’t, he didn’t take no for an answer. I can still feel the weakness and the pathetic way I felt. I try and put on a whole act that I hate the world and I truly do because there is so much bad in it. How can I navigate that? How can anyone navigate that? I don’t self harm anymore and I have learned to force myself to eat and it’s hard sometimes. I hate the way I think the world sees me and I can’t do anything about it. I feel trapped and I feel alone and now I’m watching the same thing happen to my best friend. And I can’t do anything about it. I have good guys wanting to be with me. Not just fuck me, but be with me. But I can’t seem to find the will to trust them. I don’t deserve that. I hate being in this world and I hate saying that but it’s true. We’re all just going through the motions and I don’t think there’s one person on this earth who is truly happy. And I hope that I am wrong about that. I’m here now and I’m not happy about it, but maybe it’ll get better. Maybe something will change for me. At this point I’m hopeless. And I know hopeless isn’t a place. It’s a state of mind, but I am stuck here.
This state of mind feels like a place. If anyone is reading this and has felt this way too, I’m sorry.