Growing up I had the best mom, at least that’s what i thought. Around 18, she stopped showing up at home because of another man. I was kicked out of my house, sent off to college and left figuring out life without my “best friend”. We tried reconciling our differences over the years but I was always blamed for her never having a childhood because I was born when she was 16. Mostly during these blames and fights, she was intoxicated which only made things 100x worse. I will always be her issue, even if she “loves” me.
It’s been about 12 years since the beginning of this change. My anxiety and depression get the best of me. I spend a lot of time alone or curled up in my bed. Riddled with sadness but can’t explain why. Crippled by anxiety that flushes my body red and makes me dizzy. Troubled with emotions that consume my soul.
I always have this feeling everyone is going to leave me when I start loving them or they won’t ever love me back. I push away the people that do love me because of this fear. I’ve lost countless friends, relationships and family members because I’m overly sensitive in some situations and completely insensitive in others. And yes, I’m the wrong one in each situation so it escalates even more.
I think I’m going to start therapy this year. I know my irrational and emotional behavior that still happens stems from the “loss” of my mother. I need to learn to fully love myself and learn that I am capable of being loved. But one step at a time.