My boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago, and I am heartbroken. It's hard for me to believe that my anxiety didn't have anything to do with it.

My boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago, and I am heartbroken. It's hard for me to believe that my anxiety didn't have anything to do with it. I have struggled for the past few years to sleepover at a boys house in his bed without panicking. I have since started taking medication, but that only relieves the panic attacks. I still don't sleep for fear I will panic. When I opened up to my boyfriend about my panic attacks, he said he understood. He said his friends had them and that it was okay. But when I told him that I had been secretly taking my pills every time I stayed at his house, he didn't seem to understand. He responded with "Why do you need them." "Do I make you that nervous and uncomfortable." He didn't understand, and I couldn't explain it to him because I don't understand it myself. He never made me uncomfortable and I'm mad at myself for having to take the pills and still not getting a good night sleep. Shortly after, he told me he lost feelings for me and broke up with me. He had told me he loved me and we had made so many plans for our upcoming college breaks. I loved him too. I am heartbroken and wish I could be normal. Will I ever be able to stay at my boyfriends house without having to take pills, and actually get a decent amount of sleep? It is so frustrating, especially because this was never a problem for me in high school. This only started in college. I do have panic attacks about other things, but this is a big one and the one that bothers me most. It's hard for me to feel bad for myself because I know there are people who have anxiety WAY worse than I do. Panic attacks for me include sweating and an increased heart rate, and if it is really bad I hyperventilate. When it happens at night, I can't sleep. I've never gone to the hospital or been formally diagnosed. So it is also hard for me not to think, "Do I even really have anxiety?" It's so minimal if I do. But I still struggle. And I still cry. And I still think to myself, will it ever get better? I have such a good life, with amazing friends and the absolute best family who has given me everything. So why is this happening to me? I feel like I am the only one with this particular problem, and that no one understands. My mom is basically my therapist, because she never judges me and I always know I can talk to her. She says that she swears I will get through this, but I am not hopeful. Other therapists have given off the vibe that they don't think my problem is a big one. And that only makes it worse. I just want to be able to have a husband and a family someday. But if I can't even sleepover at my boyfriends house, how is that ever going to happen? At this point, after my last boyfriend, I am so scared to even tell a new boyfriend about my anxiety much less tell him that I need pills when I sleepover at his house. I really wish I could enjoy staying over at my boyfriends house, because I used to love to in high school. I don't understand what happened to me from high school to college. So I guess my story isn't over. It's kind of at the beginning since this only started a few years ago. I hope that someday, my story will have a happy ending.

Anonymous