As a 14 year old girl split between the confusing line of her reality and the reality of others, I often lose myself in what sanity is.

As a 14 year old girl split between the confusing line of her reality and the reality of others, I often lose myself in what sanity is.

The world around me has people suffering from starvation, abuse, mental illnesses, and other difficult things while I live a good life with no problems at all.

But the way everyone's suffering, I began to believe I was strange for not having anxiety or depression, and my ability to be empathetic was far from good. I was bored with my simple life, and that's when I started to destroy myself.

Nights spent overthinking, and hating myself for being so selfish and self pitying myself though others were going through far worse. I became a villian to myself and others, a toxic hypocrite who claimed herself worthless. And with my self deprecation, people tried to prove me wrong and stated I wasn't a horrible person. But in the end, I had already destroyed everything that was special to me.

Along with that, I began to worry about mental health. I seemed insane to myself during the time of self loathing, and I started to wonder about my image. As a short and small girl, everyone would mention how skinny I was though I always wore baggy clothing. Since my mother would make me eat dinner at the very least, I tried to throw up my meals. But nothing worked; my gag reflexs didn't seem to trigger and I couldn't take medication to throw up. Shocked by the discovery, I realized it was for the better, and how lucky I am to be able to maintain stability.

But another thing that keeps getting to me. My migraines. An intense pain every day, I have been ignoring for the past year. Though I have taken painkillers when it was unbearable, it did not seem to work. I don't want to self diagnose myself and pretend to be sick when I'm really not.

A common fear of being told that it was only for attention stopped me from doing so.

But even at the end of this post, I realize that I have just made a path to seem like I am a victim, and that I am going through much even though I am only a speck of needless dust in this world. People are kind. It's my warped view of myself that lead me to lose hope in humanity, but humans have the ability to be kind. I only exist on this Earth as a negative balance, and I apologise for the long self pitying text.

Anonymous