Does anyone ever wake up in the morning and your eyes shoot open and your mind starts racing a million miles an hour? Do you ever feel like the muscles in your legs are so tense that you can’t focus, you can’t relax and you can’t stop thinking about how tense your legs are that your eyes fill up with tears and you pace around your room in a way that can only be described as manic? Do your hands and legs shake as you walk and your breath shortens and you feel like you don’t know what is wrong but only that something is very, very wrong and at any minute you are just going to crumble? That a wrong look or a small obstacle could send you into a complete down-spiral? Anyone?
This is how I have spent the past two weeks. I am on edge. My life feels overwhelming and my reaction to it has been unhealthy. I am angry. I am sad. I am tightly wound. I am trying to sort through it and get my swagger back.
Writing is my cope technique. Listen, Lucy is my positive outcome to crappy circumstances, but I also truly believe in the power of writing. I use it to get my crap out of my head when I feel like I can’t express it vocally. I use it as a tool to feel connected when my anxiety makes me feel so freaking trapped and isolated.
We all struggle. We all have things that stop us in our tracks and we say small, quiet prayers to try and will a change in our situation. We all go through it--- but life never stops moving. We have to carry on. We have to breathe it in and and breathe it out and keep pushing through...we can’t make excuses and we cannot succumb to the pressure and the negativity or the all consuming worry that sits in your gut and your legs and your hands and your teeth and your mind. We cannot quit.
As I write, I read each sentence out loud. I go through each word and each paragraph over and over again. I read it with passion and usually cry as I do so...and it helps me heal. It helps me use my words and creativity and emotion to deal with this disorder when I feel like I don’t have the time or energy to fight anymore.
It’s okay to not be okay. It is okay to be angry and lash out from time to time. It is not okay to give up. Every single one of us will continue to fight and lean on each other when we feel weak. This community was designed to support and accept and make people not feel alone.
Friday is the biggest presentation of my career. I want to enjoy it. I want to be present and appreciate all of my hard work that has gotten me to this point. I want to do well and I know I will. I don’t want my anxiety to take a toll on me any more than it already has. I want to be honest and share how I feel. I want to share that I am not completely healed and that I probably never will be. I want the audience to know that I know about mental illness because I am living with the struggle right in this moment. I get it. Because I speak publicly and have an organization that brings so much joy into my life, and hopefully the lives of others, doesn’t mean I don’t have dark days.
We all have dark days. Talking about it helps. Speaking out about this is something that is so important to me and is also cathartic for me. So, I am counting on this presentation to be the most cathartic hour of my life. I am planning on being very open and honest but also try to sprinkle in a little humor in there-- that’s that swagger I was referring to.
I don’t know what the point of this post is. It is just inside of me and I had to get it out. I do know what I want to tell you all though...
You all make me feel less alone. You should also know you aren’t alone. I am here with you. We will get through this.