"Listen Lucy: I'm not really sure I have a story to be quite honest. So many others have gone through things much worse than I have; have had so much more hardship to endure. Who am I to be writing on this page from a college dorm room with a full stomach and loving friends and family by my side? But maybe that's the problem.
This guilt that I carry with me constantly, this feeling like I am not good enough-a good enough friend, sibling, aunt, daughter. But then I tell myself that these are trivial things, and I should be thankful for the life I was blessed with, reminding myself life could be so much worse. Up until this point, telling myself this helped me fall asleep at night. But lately I've felt a frog in my throat that won't go away. I keep feeling like I am so utterly undeserving of the people in my life. I beat myself up for the smallest of transgressions because it proves that I am not a good person. I pray every night to become the best version of me that I can be. I try so hard to be selfless, kind, humble...yet it feels like I am moving backwards. All of sudden I am blubbering like an idiot in front of friends who shouldn't have to deal with this. I am over dramatic and can't control my emotions. I constantly ask why am I the way that I am. Why do I always have to screw things up? It's like I've reached a new level of self-loathing that I cannot ignore anymore. It's simmering right below the surface, occasionally bubbling over in the form of unwarranted tears, making me all the more a burden to those around me. I just want to know why I sweat the small stuff. Why I can't love myself.
As I sit here writing this, there is a mason jar to my right filled with notes from friends and my sister, telling me how much they love me, how happy they are to have me in their lives. But why don't I believe them? Why can't I tell myself that these words are true? I hold on to all of the bad that I have done in my life and can't let it go. I hate knowing that I have done something to upset a person I care so deeply for, even if it was minor and they've forgiven me. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because it makes me feel self-centered. So here I am, stuck between a rock in a hard place of wanting to express myself but at the same time not wanting to seem selfish for doing so. I can't shake the feeling that I'm teetering on the edge of losing my friends no matter what I do. I try to show them how much I care for them but then I worry that they think I'm merely sucking up. I want to help my brother and sister-in-law out and babysit my nieces but then I panic thinking that I won't finish my schoolwork if I do, so I tell them I can't, and worry myself sick thinking that I'm a terrible aunt and sister.
I've always had anxiety. Whether it be about school, my body, my relationships, it's been there. But for a second I thought I moved on. Thought I had finally reached a genuinely happy point in my life. Then it all came crashing down. I don't know when, how, or why, but it did. All I can do is try to claw my way back to where I was. It seems so out of reach right now, but I haven't lost the will to try."