Tomorrow is a new day...

Tomorrow is a new day.....

That's what I've been telling myself lately. Some days "tomorrow" is great. Others, like today, they are horrible. 

When will I feel normal again? I'm, actually not even sure what normal means to me anymore. 

Maybe it was last month before I switched anxiety medications. But that doesn't make sense cause I wouldn't have agreed with my Dr to try something new in the first place. Maybe it was last year when I went on a strict diet, lost a ton of weight fast, and felt really comfortable in my body, once again. Maybe it was before I had kids, cause that's when the post partum and anxiety set in....

Regardless, I hate the way I've been feeling.....

Right this moment: my boys are sleeping, my husband is out and I just cried in the shower for a long period of time. It's better that way, though, cause I hate when they see me like this. Sometimes I think "My boys and husband don't deserve this...." The yelling, the crying, the "mean mom," the wife that doesn't want to get intimate cause she hates how she feels about herself and there is no way her husband wants her.....

But I'm trying, I truly am.... Do they see that I don't want to be like this? That I don't want to be the mom that loses it because a dish wasn't taken into the kitchen? That I don't want to be the wife that gets mad cause her husband wants to get a drink with his friend after working all day to support us while I get to stay home? That I do want to feel better in my skin and that's why I cry sometimes? 

It's hard for my husband to understand, I get it.... he's a guy.... but sometimes it's so hard to hold it all together. 

I look at these other moms and think, "How the hell do you do it?' Sometimes, I don't even have the energy to get out of bed (literally)...And there you are with 4 kids in tow, looking perfect, just getting out of the gym, and going home to your seemingly perfect life. I know I'm just jealous, cause that's what I pictured my life as. 

And most people probably think my life is "perfect." (I hate using that word by the way!) I'm sure looking back to before I was married, I would've only dreamed for what I have today: A super hard working husband that loves me, 2 beautiful and healthy boys, a house we were able to build ourselves, and huge support system in my family and friends. 

But why do I feel like this?? Sad, anxious, panicky, ugly, etc...?

So, that's why I will say "Tomorrow, is a new day." I can and will fight this battle within myself. I can learn to love myself again, just as everyone around me does. My mind will not win - I know my heart will.