Today has been, in a nutshell, chaotic and horrible. I hit my breaking point. I couldn’t get a grip. I was breaking out in hives. I was crying in the break room during my lunch and I was telling myself that I am a failure. Then, I text one of my favorite friends, Hannah, who has been in my corner since we have met and she said to me, “Write about it, post it, and inspire someone who thinks they’re the only one feeling not good enough.”
So, here it is.
I believe in Listen, Lucy more than I have ever believed in anything. I can feel it inside of me. I believe in the message. I believe in the purpose and I believe in the effect I think it will have on the world. I work hard. Really hard. I work tirelessly and am convinced that I will not give up- except today. Today I crumbled.
When you start your own business, people tell you how hard it is going to be. People tell you it won’t happen overnight. People tell you to keep pushing because your hard work will pay off. They say everything happens for a reason and that you can do it. All of these kind, supportive words are so appreciated but there is no way to prepare for the pressure you put yourself under to succeed when starting a business-- especially while struggling with anxiety disorders.
I breathe in Listen, Lucy and I breathe out Listen, Lucy all day. I think about it when I wake up, when I eat, when I walk, when I talk-- every minute of my existence is consumed by the worry of Listen, Lucy’s success. You may think I am exaggerating, but I’m not. It is how I am wired. It is how I am at the core of my being-- anxious. Today, my anxiety became crippling for about 5 hours.
Being a failure is one of my real, deep fears. Putting myself out there and being rejected keeps me awake all hours of the night. I try to stay positive and remind myself that everyone works hard...that everyone is stressed. I remind myself how truly wonderful my life is...but those reminders don’t always work.
Today, I asked myself, “What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why did I think I could make this work? Why did I think I’m special enough to succeed?” I told myself that I can’t make this happen and that it would be easier and better for me to give up and go back to my normal 9-5 job that I gave up to pursue this dream.
I am not scared of hard work-- I actually love it. It’s not the work that is eating away at me. It’s the mounting pressure that I can’t shake. It’s the self-doubt. It’s the small voice inside of me telling me that I am not good enough.
If I am being honest, I don’t feel better even as I am writing this. But, I know eventually I will. I will pick myself up, put on some Beyonce and remind myself that I have proven that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I will remind myself that I am a bad ass and I will remind myself who runs this mother.
Nothing worth having comes easy. I appreciate every goal I hit and every stride I make because I have truly earned it. It’s okay to have bad days. It is okay to crumbled from time to time. It’s necessary to cry when the pressure is too much. What’s not okay is letting your self-worth decrease because of what you think success is in that moment.
No matter what happens, you are enough. We are enough. I am enough.
Together, we can change the world and I am going to look at myself in the mirror tonight and say that out loud. I suggest you do the same.
Thank you for being along for the ride.