10 years ago, I was married to a wonderful man; generous, kind, financially stable. On paper, it seemed like I had it all. To the rest of the world, I did. There was only one problem, I wasn't happy. I was an empty vessel, lonely, bored longing for something that was missing. It was just around that same time that I met someone else. Oddly enough, someone else who was going through the same things in their life that I was in mine. We became friends. I liked having this person in my life who understood me and understood how I felt. But that's where things got complicated. We both quickly realized that the thing missing in each of our lives--was each other. I loved him. He loved me. But this was far from the perfect love story. We had to end our marriages and start a new life. Start all over again.
We now had to hurt other people. Upset worlds, lives and complicate everything we knew to be together and start the life we felt we wanted and deserved. Life got flipped upside down. The shame and guilt that comes with this type of decision is debilitating. It's something you don't realize when you're riding the high of a new relationship. It's only years later when you realize the damage you've done to others and yourself. It's something you have to carry with you every day, in your heart, mind and soul.
Through the years, we've had struggles, ups and downs. We struggled with infertility for years. I finally realized that having a child wasn't in the cards for me. And I'm ok with that. I've moved on and accept that is the way things are meant to be for us. Recently, we've struggled with job loss, which brings a new list of anxieties and panic. For years, I thought God was somehow punishing me for bad decisions. But I know that is not the case. God is not a punishing God. And the one thing I've learned, is good people make bad decisions sometimes. It doesn't make them bad people. It just means that none of us are perfect. None of us go through this world without fault. All we can do is try to learn from mistakes and be better people for it. I know now more than ever that you have to keep the faith, keep your head up and know there is always someone out there that is struggling with something much worse. The more positive energy you put into the world, the more that will come back to you. And that's what I plan to do.