At the age of 16 you'd think life would be fun. You have a picture in your head of what you want your teen years to be like... but for the past 7 years the years that were supposed to be the best, have been the worst.
I'd thought I was "normal" I thought I was just like everyone else... I just wanted to fit in and to make friends, just like any other high school student right? But I guess the idea of being my friend or hanging out with me would make you less of person. I was forced at a young age to learn things about myself I didn't even know the meaning of... it all started in 5th grade, "why are playing with such a whore." That's when the Uproar began.
They just wouldn't call me nasty names to face, but online too. I'm such a Disgrace To the world, that the Lord made a mistake in making me. That no one LOVED me... I feel that the only thing humans ever dream for is to be loved. And that's when it hit me hard. Maybe I wasn't loved, maybe the Lord did make a mistake, maybe my family hates me just like everyone else does in this town. I'm hard to break... but when you have so many people telling you to kill yourself everyday, putting death notes in your locker... it isn't so easy to be so strong anymore. At some point everyone has a breaking point.
My breaking point might have been a little more Severe Than others... I'm 16, all I wanted was friends, maybe just one friend. I wanted someone that wouldn't leave me that wouldn't go and bully me because it was the "cool" thing to do. Do you know what's it's like to lay in bed at night with a knife to your arm crying. Do you think I wanted to hurt myself? NO. But I couldn't control the pain others gave to me, I could just control the pain I gave to myself. Sounds crazy though right? Why would you want to hurt yourself? Well I was Numb, I wanted to feel something.
Depression is like a dark stormy cloud. You never know what the storm is going to be like, but you know it's just going to be dark and scary. Honestly for the last 7 years all its been is scary. Getting hate mail, having someone take you by your neck and thrown into the lockers ready to punch you. Crying yourself to sleep every night, crying to the lord asking him why is this happening, what is so wrong with me?
High school shouldn't be like this. High school is supposed to be about making something out of yourself, learning, and making friends. How am I supposed to any of that when my life is being Threatened everyday? You can only be strong for long. You can only act like everything is okay before it's too late. Depression hit me harder than ever... I'd skip class, stopped eating, would run and cry in the bathroom. Until I realized I couldn't take the pain anymore. That day I Decided I'd do what everyone had been telling me to do for so long. I was Seconds away from pulling the trigger. Seconds away from ending it all... it's scary, it's dark, and you're so alone. But something stopped me from Committing suicide. Whatever it was, I'm glad. Yes, I still have depression. Yes, I still cry and wonder why no one likes me; What did I do for everyone to hate me.
But I've grown, I've realized I wasn't "loved" because I didn't love myself. I listened to the people that hated me, so the only thing my body had been experiencing was hate... once you start to love yourself, and do the things you love, and not being scared of what others are going to think or say, your life starts to become the picture you have molded into your brain on what you want your life to be like.
I was a girl who was seconds away from death, but I'm now a girl who is seconds away from reaching her goals. You have to remember to love yourself first, because at the end of the day you have your own back, you're the one who whips your tears, and tells yourself it's all going to be okay. Don't let others take over your life. Don't let others Define Who you are, but let you define yourself.