Thank you. Thank you for listening when I felt so alone...
Thank you. Thank you for listening when I felt so alone. Thank you for letting me talk without the fear of disassociation. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable, even anonymously, and for not judging my self-worth based on my struggles. Thank you for being my friend, and for welcoming me softly into this community. Thank you for never giving up in this fight that we're all fighting together alone. Thank you for Jordan and for sharing her with us and being a beautiful foundation from which she can share her own life to give us hope and to encourage us and to show us we're not alone. I thank God for you, Lucy, and I thank God for Jordan. She may have no idea what a huge impact this has had on my life, but I hope she can know that her making Listen, Lucy has been one of the many hands holding me throughout my battles with anxiety and depression. Jordan, you are a gift. You are a gift in your vulnerability, and your love, and your passion for getting behind the stigma of struggle and fostering a community where we can love ourselves and show ourselves grace. I know that you have blessed so many lives and are blessing them today and will keep blessing them. God is working through you in incredible ways and I am so blessed that you created Listen, Lucy. It is a beautiful thing.
My struggle, my battle, whatever you call it, it isn't over yet. I know that. But I can see growth and progress. It's been 1 month since my last panic attack. Even if I have one tomorrow, that's still 1. Whole. Month. That's huge. I used to have even multiple a day. Now it's been a month. I'm learning how to show myself grace. I'm learning how to balance my life and how to fill myself with good things and manage the demand I place on myself. I'm learning how to take care of my body, my brain, my heart, my soul. I'm learning how to be like a child and be vulnerable, open, to others, to myself, to God. I'm learning how to love and to be loved. I now know that it is not a weakness to share your burdens with others. You cannot force them to carry them. They will only carry them if they choose to. You are not a burden. I now know that being vulnerable is liberating. It's scary, but it frees you to grow. I now know that it's okay to be on medication and go to counseling and that those things are training wheels that allow you to actually ride on your own. I am learning how to pedal right now. I have lots of scrapes and bruises, but I'm making progress. Maybe someday I will ride on my own, and maybe I'll just raise the training wheels a little bit. Maybe I will keep them, as a help as I learn how my short allele affects me and my life and how to account for that. I now know that it is not a weakness to be weak, because God is seriously so glorified through it. Every time I break, he shines brighter through the cracks. Every time I struggle, he holds me up. Every time I rejoice, he is there, rejoicing with me in the utmost sincerity and love. I still have so much to learn. I still struggle. This battle isn't over yet, but Christ already won the war. I have comfort in that.
So, it may not be over, but I have grown, and I have made progress, and I am loving this journey of discovery and discipline. It has been absolute hell at times. It has been despair. It has been deep loneliness and brokenness. But it has also been good at the same time, a greater good than I can even imagine. Thank you, Listen, Lucy and Jordan, for being part of that good.
Beautiful, Imperfect, Broken, Healing, Grateful Me