Honesty is so important to me. Being honest with all of you about my life is what led to Listen, Lucy’s success. I want to be honest to help you be honest. That being said, it is not always easy for me.
Last month was really hard on me. The anxiety destroyed me. The sleepless nights made me feel sick all day and it seemed like I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t believe the horrible place I was in once again. I couldn’t believe I allowed myself to get consumed by my disorders when I am usually so strong. I couldn’t believe it and not being able to believe it made me obsess about it. I tore myself apart for not being in control. I told myself I was weak and a loser. I felt like a completely different person. Each hour of every day seemed like a struggle and I didn’t know what to do. I had let myself down and I didn’t want anyone to know.
The one thing about going through waves of adversity is that when you come out on the other side, you seem to learn so much. While I could bore you with the things that are causing anxiety in my life, I won’t. I always tend to think that the cause isn’t as important to share as what it feels like to be in this chaos and what I have learned once I claw my way out.
I went back to therapy. I changed my schedule around and tried meditation (which I suck at by the way). I went back on medication. I made my health my first priority this entire month. I took a break and took a breath. I leaned on the support I am so lucky to have and while I am not back to where I was-- I am a lot closer.
This time around with my anxiety I was humbled. First of all, I truly think that I never take my health for granted. I never forget what I went through to get myself on track, but experiencing the feeling of constant terror in my gut reminds me how lucky I am that I have been healthy for so long.
I have realized that while living an honest life with everyone, including the readers of Listen, Lucy, is one of the most important things to me, it has to be on my terms. It is okay to take a minute and process what is going on and allow myself the time I need to react and figure it out before sharing it with the world. Being honest makes me feel lighter but only when I am not feeling pressured to be. I need to ease up on myself sometimes.
Lastly, I need to still work on accepting myself and who I am. I need to not destroy myself for slipping up or not having control. My anxiety is in me and sometimes it is going to still get control and that’s when I have to learn to accept it and to adjust. Tearing myself down because I think I am “weak” isn’t helping at all. It is making it worse. I need to ask for help, adjust my coping techniques and be OK with the fact that I am still struggling sometimes. I need to be kinder to myself.
All of us are a work in progress. We are all doing the best we can. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that and say it out loud -- which is kind of the beauty of Listen, Lucy. We all have bad days, months and sometimes even years. It doesn’t make us weak, it makes us human. I am working on understanding that and hope my struggle helps you deal with yours.
Here is to constantly trying to accept ourselves.