This is what it felt like when I was depressed last year.

Listen, Lucy:

This is what it felt like when I was depressed last year. I'm afraid that it will come again; I don't think it will, but it's always in the back of my mind that the sad feelings will come again, and this time, I won't be able to get back to normal.

It felt like all of a sudden, I was out on the middle of the ocean. Floating. And then the water was cold and the wind was loud, and very quickly, I started to get disoriented. and with that disorientation, I became afraid. Waves, one after another, crashing down upon me. Not giving me a chance to breathe, not letting me keep my head above water. All the while, I felt hollow, and empty, and afraid. Waves and waves keep coming, and I get more afraid and disoriented, searching for something to ground me, or a reason why this was happening. But finally a wave comes that completely covers me, and then I’m sinking. Going down, completely submerged, I can feel my empty self being filled with more and more unexplainable grief. and I close my eyes to make it go away, but it’s still dark, and cold, and empty. There’s no way to get back to the surface, now, all I can do is wait for the waves to calm.

And so I keep on sinking. I continue to be filled with the unexplainable sadness that continues until the only thing I can do is sleep. Sleep is the escape; I’m too weak to do anything else, anyway. Sleep transports me through the rest of the storm, and when I wake, I might still be a little shaken, but for the most part, the storm has passed.

And I await the next.