On August 8, 2016, I tried to commit suicide

Listen, Lucy:

On August 8, 2016, I tried to commit suicide. I took 100 500 mg acetaminophen pills with the express hope that my liver would stop functioning and that I would die. My fiance called 911 and I was rushed to the local hospital, denying to the police, the emts, the nurses, and the doctors that I had taken anything.

I finally came clean when I saw my 2 year old daughter's face peer around the curtain to my room. I was immediately started on the antidote and transferred to closest major university medical center to be under the care of a toxicologist because the hospitalist at my local hospital didn't feel that his training was adequate enough to deal acetaminophen levels as high as mine.

The next day, a psychiatrist came to see me. I knew that I had little choice but to voluntarily commit myself because if I didn't, I would be involuntarily committed. I signed the paper work and was sent to the center's locked psychiatric unit the next day. I spent the next 5 days there and they were some of the most traumatic days of my life; so traumatic that I have stated that I will die before I go back to a psych ward.

My fiance is currently trying to get me to commit myself again. The pills that I am on are not helping and she is concerned that I am getting bad again, but I am so terrified that I won't. The very idea of it makes me nauseated, my heart races, my chest feels like it is going to collapse, and I cry. The worst part, however, is the feelings of just committing suicide to get out of it. They are excruciating. So my conundrum is that I don't go and feel ok now, but never better, or I go and feel horrible now, and MAYBE feel a little better.

I don't know what to do.