Sometimes I Worry I Am Becoming The Person I Promised Myself I'd Never Be.
It was easier, throughout high school and most of college, to assume I'd always be the single one, going it alone. It didn't bother me much; I packed my schedule and was always studying, always the headstrong one who didn't have time to let another person in let alone risking loving or depending on them. The anxiety that has crippled so many in my family also contributed, perhaps, to wanting to isolate myself a bit; because I knew that if and when that side of me ever creeped out, it'd get ugly quickly.
Two years ago, I met someone--things were wonderful, and they got intense quickly. We love each other, and we constantly talk about the future we want. But we operate in a difficult reality; He is in the military, and received a post abroad. It didn't bother me as it was all happening; in my mind, he would do his thing and I would do mine and we would still always have each other, simple. But almost one year into the abroad post and at least 2 to go, impatience is seeping in and emotions are running high. There's a lot of pressure to uproot and move to him, as if doing so will suddenly jumpstart everything else we want in life. The problem is, I feel that doing so will not only ignite this anxious ugly side of me that has been at bay with the exception of a few bumps in the road--but I also feel that moving due to a military context may very well be against the core of who I am: the headstrong, don't-need-no-man, fiercely independent version of myself I hold in high regard.
Love complicates everything; it creates a grey area that destroys black and white ways problem and solution sets, and it teases us with nuance and exceptions and expectations, leaving more questions than answers. My mind is going in circles and I'm losing sleep as I wonder how I even got to a place where I had to even be considering a decision like this under the age of 25 -- and how there is a bitter part of me that is still stewing with jealousy every time facebook announces another engagement, marriage, or simple transition from one state to the next, another low risk move for a friend or acquaintance who has decided to move to bumblef**k nowhere. That can never be me, I tell myself -- so why am I jealous?
In a context that attempts to constantly make me feel less than, I am trying to remember the things that make me stand tall -- my job, my work, my people. And in gripping so tightly to a relationship I hold so dear, I worry that constantly making myself, my emotions and my anxiety small can only be sustained for so long -- before the decision, the process, the resentment or the aftermath win out. Attempting to finish out the year prioritizing troubleshooting over worry.