It feels like everyone I trust betrays me...
It feels like everyone I trust betrays me, and it's felt like this since ... well, since I learned what the word trust meant. My so-called best friend of eight years went behind my back a week or so ago and dated the boy I fell in love with. The boy I'm still in love with. She decided to date him without even bothering to consult me about it. To see if I was okay with that. She didn't do it. And the worst part is that ... that I didn't even find out from her. I found out from a guy friend of mine who I hardly ever even see anymore. She told him before she told me, her supposed "sister" and "best friend." I ... I can safely say I've never felt more betrayed in my entire life than I did in that moment. I felt so vulnerable. So betrayed. I felt so manipulated. I felt weak. And I had no one to talk to about it. No one. Above everything I was feeling, I felt alone and abandoned.
I wish I could say I got on this website when I felt that way, but I didn't. In hindsight, I kinda wish I had. But instead I turned on my video camera and started to talk and ramble and say everything I had never said aloud before. And, for the first time in a long time, I talked so much and so long about things that hurt me and I started to cry. Not even silent tears running down my face but full-on ugly sobbing. I could barely even form coherent sentences. I couldn't think and I couldn't breathe. Everything I kept bottled up inside for a countless amount of years quite literally broke me. That was also the day I had my first and hopefully my only panic attack. Thinking about how I was betrayed, how it wasn't even the first time.
I cannot count how many people I've lost to betrayal, to sneaking around behind my back while I pretend not to notice. While I remained ignorant. But the loss of my best friend tore me apart from the inside out. I cried for hours, I couldn't even sleep without feeling tears burn in my eyes. Luckily, it had been the weekend so I didn't have to go to school and face the girl I once considered to be my "sister." I knew I wouldn't be able to look at her without breaking down in tears. So, for the entire weekend, I cried like a baby because, in this bittersweet and twisted sense, I lost a part of me.
The moral of this is ... betrayal is always going to be a part of your life. Someone out there is always wanting to use you. Manipulate you. Break you. But ... don't let them do that. Don't let them break you or manipulate you. Don't let them think they've won. Cope. Cry. Record a video. Ramble and prattle and let everything resting on your shoulders slowly be lifted away. Talk to someone you know for sure won't betray you.
Just be strong."