So lately I just don't know what makes me happy...
So lately I just don't know what makes me happy. I have been mildly depressed since 10th grade. Now I'm 22 and it isn't getting any better. I see a therapist when I am at school weekly and she is amazing. (Side note: I recommend therapy for everyone because there is something about talking to someone, who only has your best interest in mind while still being a completely neutral person, that is just incredible.) I normally think that when I come home I feel better because my family is a huge support system for me. But now, even that doesn't seem like enough. I have friends but none of them really seem to understand or want to understand what is going on with me. It is hard being someone who would rather stay inside on a Friday or Saturday night and curl up in a ball because just the thought of seeing people, having to look cute, attract guys, and pretend like I am having the night of my life just exhausts me.
I am tired all the time. I am tired about thinking about being tired. I have a job, I do well in school, and I love what I study, and I'm a well-liked person. Most people think that should be enough...but it isn't. I am not happy, I am not excited, and I am never not tired. I just want to be someone who enjoys being social. I want to feel like I am attractive. I want to feel like I can be happy. Most importantly I want to feel like myself. I can't remember the last time I felt like myself lately. The worst part is that I never feel completely honest with myself or anyone really. I feel like I am constantly pretending and if I do start to try to open up to people I can't seem to let myself be honest with them either. I guess I don't trust that they will understand or want to hear what's going on with me. I don't even think I want to hear what they have to say or think about me because I don't ever think it will be what I need to hear.
The problem is, do those words even exist? What do you say to someone who feels completely alone in her thoughts and feelings and emotions. What do you say to someone who really has no real valid reason to feel the way she feels? I'm not looking for sympathy or a validation of my feelings. I know that my feelings are real and they don't have to be validated by anyone or anything. I know that I have people who love me. I guess what I really just need is someone real, in my life currently, to say that it is okay to feel how I feel. I need my friends to understand why I need to stay in on a weekend rather than go out and party. I need to be allowed to not feel guilty for my thoughts and emotions. I need someone to just say it is okay, and to respect however long of a time that takes me to feel happy again."