I really don't know how to start this...

Listen Lucy,

I really don't know how to start this or even how to begin my thoughts. I'm not the type of person who is very open and my catch phrase is usually "I don't want to talk about it". By saying this,I feel as if the pain goes away and I do not have to think about it. I need to let people in and I want to let people in but my problem is heart break. Senior year of high school I met a guy whom I never thought I would say those three words too. I just thought he was nothing and just a fling for the summer. Little did I know the time we spent together would lead to I love you and then a heart ache.

We dated for almost two years on and off and were so happy when we were together. He was my first love, he gave me butterflies when I kissed him, he was my best friend, the person who I could always count on, and my future so I thought. We talked about marriage and how we would spend our whole lives together until we were old and smelly. We planned where we wanted to live, what kind of house we wanted, the number of kids we wanted.. You name it, we talked about it. I truly can say that I fell in love with this guy hard. I would have given anything up for him and he knew that. I was wrapped around his finger, he told me what to do and I did it. He once told me that one day I would have to pick him or my friends.. Eventually, I told him I chose him and only him. He told me that he would propose to me if I wasn't in college. He told me so many lies that I started to believe them. 

Freshman year of college is where it all went down hill. He said he couldn't trust me going out and having all the guys around me. CORRECTION, he told me he trusted me, but not the guys around me. You are suppose to live it up in college,make mistakes, and have fun. Instead, I stayed in every weekend with him and we hung around his friends but never mine. I had friends freshman year, but not like I should have had. He controlled me and I let him because I was head over heels for him. My friends always confronted me saying, this is not a healthy relationship,he should trust you and you should not fight this much..but of course I did not listen and I brushed it off my shoulder like it was nothing. Whenever he would get drunk around me, we would fight. He probably called me every name in the book and did not care. When he would become sober, he would apologize and say how much he loved me and would give anything up for me. Me, being as whipped and controlled as I was said "its okay babe" and we went about our day. 

Sophomore year of college, he broke up with me. I felt as if I lost my other half. I was depressed for a while and to tell you the truth I am still not over it. He left me for another girl..So than this got me thinking. What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Was I not good enough? I remember that day like it was yesterday,screaming and balling my eyes out. I could not breath, and to tell you the truth I felt like I did not even want to take another breath. I never told anyone this, but I did think about it.. Even the thoughts creep me out, but I know I never could because I have such a great family to support me and I have the best of friends who support me each and every day. He dragged me around after the breakup and told me we would still be together but now was not our time. The funny thing is, I believed him. I believed all his lies.

He deceived me, he made me look like a fool, made me look pathetic, and most importantly he made me think that I could not be anyone without him. He knew I could not be happy without him, so I waited for him while he had his fun. He dragged me around like a puppet and until I was tearing apart. I cried every night and wished and prayed to God that I could forget about this. I wish I could wake up from this terrible dream and finally be happy. I am terrified that I wont find happiness and love.I was ready to settle down with my only love, and now I am a mess. I pray to be more independent and to find happiness within myself.. because to find love and to make someone else happy, I have to be happy with myself first. I am surly but slowly becoming more and more happy every day,but I know it will take more time. I just have to be patient. 

I don't cry as much now and I am able to talk about it more instead of shunning people out. Baby steps right? If he would see this story, I would just want to thank him.. because honestly he did make me stronger. Heart break is a terrible thing and love can make you do stupid things. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy, I would not wish it upon anyone. I'm okay now and I am becoming happier,and that's all that matters. I am making progress. 

Ps. I met a guy

"Do not be afraid is written in the bible 365 times, that's a daily reminder from God to live FEARLESS"