I'll see your true colors
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow
The funny thing about me being lost is at the time I really didn’t know that I was lost. I think if I knew what was up, it would be much easier to do something about it.
It happened to me back in the 90’s. I was being wrongly accused of something. A generally pretty strong-minded, confident person, my weak spot was exposed. My integrity and honesty were being placed into question. This was not the issue. The issue was my physical, mental and emotional reaction to it.
Things began to spiral out of control. As I look at that last sentence I realize that writing those words do not do what happened justice. If you are fortunate enough never to have experienced spiraling out of control, God bless you. If this is the case, my plea to you is to have compassion.
I had no experience with what was going on. Fear, worry, paranoia, sleeplessness, I was being attacked by myself. It brought me to my knees. I can remember peeking from behind the curtains of my house looking outside thinking a news crew was coming to exploit me and embarrass my family. For the next couple of weeks I was so physically affected that my attention span was reduced to a few seconds. I could not function at home or a work. I literally didn’t know if I was going to survive. As I think back on this now it is easy for me to see how ridiculous this all was. But at the time, it was so real, so debilitating. In my soul, even today, 25 years later, I can still feel some of the raw emotion.
Of course now I know, this was my very first experience with depression.
I got help and gradually, slowly but surely, over months things improved. I fully recovered and for many years, life went on relatively depression free.
My second experience happened a few years ago -- more than 20 years later. A very big, joyous event was about to occur for my family. Out of nowhere, worry and anxiety began to creep back into my mind. Sleeplessness followed, then loss of productivity. This time, I quickly recognized the symptoms and knew what to do. I immediately got help and was able to counteract my condition and effectively deal with the situation.
Recently, I was at the doctors thinking about pursuing a procedure. Of course, he asked me about my medical history. When discussing my history with depression, he informed me that if I went through with this procedure there is a likelihood that my depression would resurface. He wanted to know how I felt about that. I thought about it for a minute and said I’m good with that. I told him, I know what depression looks like and I know how to handle it.
Although this is not something that I am happy that is in me, I recognize this is part of me. This is who I am. I am not afraid of my depression, in spite of it, I will move forward.
I’ve come to realize that somewhere inside of me, depression lurks. There are some things that I can do to keep it from surfacing but if it chooses to show itself, it will. I accept this. Accepting it is not the same thing as succumbing to it. I’ll work my plan and try my best to make sure that it doesn’t come out; but, if it does, I know where to go and what to do. I’ll handle it.
I got this!