My life up until this point...

"Listen, Lucy.

My life up until this point has been a series of decisions that were all based on a vision I had for my life at that particular time. Call me a dreamer, but I've always tried to follow what makes my heart happy, without giving real consideration to what all that may entail.

Today I'm living a life that is a completely skewed, disarrayed portrait of the life I painted for myself as a young girl, a teen, and an optimistic college student. Color me a typical millennial, but 6 months out of college I feel as lost and confused as I was freshmen year. All of my loved ones tell me it's normal to not have it all figured out and it was acceptable for me to make the decisions I made at the time I made them because truthfully: that's what felt right back then. 

But it still hurts. 

Nobody prepares you for the day-in and day-out that is working 9-5 PM. The routine that forces you into a monotony where days seem to slip by faster than the next and all that you've managed to accomplish was avoiding eating a cookie from the break table and getting in a workout before bed.  

I wish I could be like the twenty-somethings of my generation on Instagram (so many of which are close friends) who pick up and move and create experiences for themselves that they'll remember for the rest of their life. Those people taking the world by storm because staying at home isn't the cool thing to do. I don't know why I feel stuck in this place that is the only place I've known, but I do, and I wish I could stop hating myself for it.

There are so many things I love about my life that I try to tell myself are the reasons I should be happy, but I still don't feel satisfied. But do we ever? I wonder if anyone else is confused. But according to the Facebook and Twitter versions of all of my friends--everyone else is having the time of their lives. 

Today I'm realizing that I chased another phantom reality with the career path I was convinced was the right one and now, it seems, I'm back at square one.  I also struggle with knowing how blessed I've been in my life. So then I feel guilty for wanting more. It's turned into a downward and spiraling process of trying to figure out who I am while also trying not to dislike that person at the same time. Now, I have so many things to consider in deciding what my next move should be and some days it seems like it may never be okay. I guess my biggest fear in all of this is that I'll let this battle with myself and my fear of taking risks hold me back from experiencing all it is that I want to experience in life. 

The more I grow the more I realize so much can be learned from experiences and sharing them with others. On days like this, I wish someone would tell me they feel the same way. Or even better, I wish someone could say "hey, I've been there, and it all turns out alright." So I hope that by sharing here, someone who's feeling lost, confused, and without a sense of direction, knows that someone else gets it, too. 


Typical (?) Twenty-Something "