Losing control can be terrifying.
For me, it started with tests. Tons of tests by tons of doctors who couldn’t give me any answers. There was something obviously wrong but no one could tell me what it was. The diseases the doctors were suggesting were life-changing, maybe even life-ending. I was pricked and poked and observed. Thrown from room to room. No one could figure out why I was struggling so much.
I was losing a lot of weight and looking lifeless. Rumors started to swirl around the hallways as to what was really going on. I couldn’t control anything. The anguish of not having any answers is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
The tests continued. The not- knowing continued. I was losing sleep and I was losing the energy for life that I once had.
I was put on so many different medicines I can’t even begin to figure out what they were or how many there were. However, I can tell you that the side effects from these different medications were unbearable. I needed to get control. I had been struggling for over a year and there were no answers. I was sick of everyone asking me what was wrong so I lied every day.
When I started to put some weight back on, I started to down spiral. I was completely out of control, but completely in control if that makes any sense. My mind changed. I couldn’t control the doctors or the symptoms I was having, but I could control what went into my body and what I forced out of my body. I began to make myself throw up.
For a long time, I thought this was about the way I looked. I thought I was obsessed with being afraid to gain weight. That was never what it was about. I can see that now. It was about having control over something when I had control over nothing for so long.
I was in so deep I couldn’t get out. It was the lowest time in my life. I am still in disbelief that I allowed myself to get taken over like that. I am shocked about how it made sense in my mind.
Through years of counseling I was able to see what I went through and how it got me to that place. It has been many years since I was that lost person. I am much stronger now. I am also really open about my life, but not this.
We all have parts of our past we would rather not admit. Secrets that we keep locked up so the world can’t see them. I think that is okay. I think you should share what you are comfortable with, but I also know that I will never forget that dark place I was in. I am not sure if I will ever come to terms with it.
Writing this anonymously has been uplifting for me. Admitting what happened without revealing who I am is just what I needed. Acknowledging this part of my life was needed. I may not want my face plastered next to this story, but it is good to get it out. As strange as it sounds, I never want to forget that part of my life. You can’t appreciate how far you have come and who you have become if you don’t know where you have been.
To anyone out there struggling like I have: Keep pushing through the darkness. Keep climbing out of the hole. You will find yourself. Don’t ever, ever, ever give up on yourself. Giving up is not an option. You will get through it. Your darkness is overwhelming now, I am sure. But the light? The light after the darkness is the most beautiful thing in the world."