I've been thinking a lot about my happiness lately...

"Listen, Lucy:

I’ve been thinking a lot about my happiness lately. I’ve been thinking that it seems like something so simple, making yourself happy. But it’s actually really complicated. Happiness is one of the first emotions we learn, it’s a word we use everyday, probably multiple times a day, to express how we are feeling. Our lives revolve around our happiness – or lack thereof – and I think that’s what makes it complicated.

What makes a person happy? That’s a question that usually comes with a quick answer; it can be anything, really. A person, a pet, a thought, a purchase, an event. So how do we make ourselves happy? … This question takes a little more thought for me. So say you finally think of what it is that you can do to make yourself happy, and you do it. And then, you’re still not happy. It’s frustrating. Is it because we always want more? I think we feel unfulfilled sometimes because we’re always waiting for the next step. Are we ever really happy in the moment? Or is anticipating the future what gives us happiness? It’s a concept that I constantly wrestle with. I realize that we, like our happiness, are constantly evolving. I’m sure I’ve changed some over the years, but how did the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in suddenly turn into something that made me completely unhappy? Did I change that much? Did my happiness change that much? Or did I just want more? My whole life, it’s always been important for me to strive for more, to do better and constantly improve myself. But I’m learning that at some point, you have to find the balance between the two extremes so you can begin to feel that comfort and fulfillment. And I’m learning that it is not an easy balance to find.

I’ve been thinking about how I can find peace with my happiness before I drive myself completely crazy with this cyclical thinking. I so badly want to just feel comfortable with my life, where it is and where it’s going. I think I’m getting there. It’s a little lonely sometimes, but I think doing it on my own is helping. Something I’ve realized is that I never want to have to depend on someone else for my happiness – that should be up to me. So for now, I need to remind myself daily that I need to enjoy the ride. If another relationship should come my way, I hope that I’m able to enjoy the moments as they come, rather than always waiting for what’s next. When I ask myself, “What makes you happy?” I want to be the answer. 
It’s like the John Lennon quote that every girl had in her AIM profile in high school (yes, I’m guilty as well):
“When I was five years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

I’d like to thank John Lennon and his mom for this little piece of inspiration that I have hanging at my desk to this day. And I’d also like to thank Lucy. We are lucky to have you."