I have wonderful people in my life...

"Listen Lucy,

I have wonderful people in my life who never hesitate to tell me how smart, talented, beautiful and special I am … but I don’t believe them. I hear the words and say the thank you’s all the while thinking, “If you were me you wouldn’t think so.” It’s not that I think I’m a terrible person, I know I am nice and pleasant but I’m average. Any time something amazing happens to me I chalk it up to luck, coincidence, or a blessing from God – nothing I did could have made this or that happen. My friends and family are always telling me to have more confidence, like I can just grab it out of thin air, but it’s not that easy. As a child I think I was confident, I was definitely sensitive but I remember thinking I had strengths. I’m not sure when it all changed but I can feel the waves of insecurity and doubt rush over me almost daily, and then there’s the guilt. Why do I feel this way when I have a loving family, the best friends and a caring and hilarious man who loves me? Surely something must be wrong with me if I can’t feel good about myself with all the good that surrounds me. The place where it is currently affecting me the most is my career. I’ve never had a dream job or a goal I was aspiring to I just knew that I wanted to find something I could be happy doing and succeed. I always saw that as a negative, everyone has dreams and goals, where are mine? I have a good job where I am still pretty new and I try to work as hard as I can to prove myself. Still, no matter what, when my boss asks to speak with me I am positive I’m getting fired. I completely freeze, red face, sweating, tears welling up even after he tells me they are moving my position in order to preserve my spot in the company, it takes days for me to accept that he is telling the truth. I have an exciting life event coming up and as I prepare and receive gifts and congratulations, hearing how excited everyone is for me, I wonder why? There it is - the doubt. Always creeping up when I should be so happy and basking in everyone’s enthusiasm for the big day. The interesting thing about it all is that most of the time, I am a happy person, I am just trying to figure out why I deserve the things I have. My hope is that with growing up I find peace with who I am and learn to accept the good things in my life for what they are. I truly am the luckiest girl in the world, I can’t wait for the day I can see myself as others see me. That day will be awesome."