Have you ever been broken...

"Listen, Lucy.

Have you ever been broken? Like really broken.. into what feels like a million tiny, little pieces? You’re scared, hurt and angry because you think you’ll never be able to find every little piece to put yourself fully back together again. First you blame everyone and everything you can think of, but then you realize it just comes down to you.. in reality, everything is your fault. What is so wrong with me that he didn’t want me anymore? Why did he say the things he did? Did he mean any of it? Am I not pretty enough? Is there someone else?  Every SINGLE possible question floods your mind every second of every day.

Some of you may be reading this thinking wow.. this girl got dumped.. big deal.  Yes, I know there are plenty of people out there who have it MUCH, MUCH worse and would kill to have“problems” like mine. I can say that I am thankful that this is one of the biggest hardships I’ve been through in my life thus far. However, love IS the thing that makes the world go ‘round. Love fuels every motivation, no matter if we realize it or not. If you’re not in love, you’re looking for love. If you’re not looking for love, you’re simply pretending you don’t want it. Money and success can give you temporary joy, but material things merely can’t give you true, permanent happiness.

I know, first hand, how powerful love is. I changed my ENTIRE life for love. I am so young, and I have so much potential; but I decided to put a guy before everything/everyone in my life, and now I have been left with what feels like nothing.

I have always had one goal in life: to get a kick-ass job that pays a lot of money. I wanted to prove to all of the people that have doubted me that I have more potential than they ever thought,and more importantly, I wanted the people I love to be proud of me. After working my ass off in college, I ended up turning down a great, very competitive job offer my first semester of my senior year. I decided I would keep looking because I knew love was more important. I wanted be married with a family, even if it was in a town with a population of 10,000. I did find a job, making 3x less money, in that tiny town. I graduated, moved here, and started my new “dream” job within 3weeks.  

Everything was great for the first few weeks. I was so excited I finally got to see my boyfriend every day after being in a long-distance relationship for a year. I cherished waking up next to him and just doing everyday things like going grocery shopping. The simplest things like making him lunch or making his coffee in the morning made me smile.But my relationship suddenly fell apart.. within less than 2 months. We started fighting, a lot. He became obsessed with drinking with his friends more than he ever had. I quickly realized that his phone was much more interesting to him than I was. A complicated relationship with his sister, who was once one of my best friends, left me feeling inadequate and put on the back burner. Whenever I would confront him about my feelings, he would make me feel like I was wasting his precious time.

Suddenly, I started questioning every decision I ever made. I was living in an apartment all alone, and every person I knew in my new “home town” was either his friend or family. Then my biggest nightmare came true. After asking him why his priorities had seemed to change so much, I was presented with a response that I had feared for a while: He wasn’t willing to compromise or work at this relationship any longer. He was done. We “mutually” agreed that we weren’t right for each other, but I knew that I was losing the most important person in my life.. and to make it even worse, it was through a TEXT. He couldn’t even bother to call me or come over to see me one last time. I left work early that morning and drove all the way home to my parents’ house. The tears did not stop flowing.. for 3 days. When I came back to my lonely apartment, I completely broke down. I deleted every social media site I had so I wouldn’t accidentally come across pictures of him happily carrying on with his life. I gathered his stuff together because I knew being reminded of him in any way would just kill me. I deleted every picture of him on my phone and threw away every piece of memorabilia in my apartment.

That following week was harder than I could have imagined. I was completely alone.. no family, and only a few friends who were carrying on with their own lives. I tried my best to be productive at work through the tears. I suddenly had so much free time, which meant more time for every crazy thought to enter my head.  Hearing things like “he seems fine” and “he’s already hanging out with his ex girlfriend” from his friends made me go completely crazy. Knowing that it took him less than a week to get over what I considered the most important relationship in my life beyond hurt me.. it destroyed me.

Here I am now, 2 weeks after the breakup, trying to pull myself together enough to merely function. I’ve been trying my hardest to take all of the advice everyone has given me to heart; but when it comes down to it, I just feel empty, lonely and numb. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t get the memories of him out of my head.  I am down to the lowest weight I have been in 5 years. I evoke every bad memory of the severe anxiety issues I faced when I was younger like it was yesterday, and I fear SO MUCH that my eating disorder is back again. It’s so UNFAIR that I’m forced to be alone in this town with nothing to keep my mind off of him.

But, you know what? One thing I’ve learned is that LIFE IS UNFAIR. Feeling sorry for myself is going to get me nowhere.I can be sad and cry and think about the past as much as I want, but it’s not going to change the way things are. I can give into my anxiety and depression liked I used to, or I can rise above it. After all, I have made my own decisions, and when it comes down to it.. it really IS my fault. I relied on one person for my happiness, and that’s a lot of weight for one person to carry.  I have to figure out how to love myself, and maybe being all alone is going to force me to do that for the first time in my life. You simply cannot rely on anyone.. for ANYTHING! Never depend on others. Rely only on yourself for your happiness because while other people can make it easier for you, only YOU can choose to be truly happy.

I know that I will never find EVERY piece of my broken self, because I have lost something that was such an important, significant part of me for so long. But I know that eventually, I will be able to find the biggest, most important pieces and maybe even some new ones that can fill in most of the empty spaces."