For the last 3 months or so...

listen lucy,

for the last 3 months or so i have been...lost.  i am not me, and i do not know who i am supposed to be anymore.  i cannot find myself; i'm just am here, floating along.

i am letting something take over my life and impact me entirely.  it's something that doesn't deserve to have this power over me.  i'm caught tossing and turning at night, stress weighing on my mind, worry, fear, panic.  i wake up with a knot in my stomach; there aren't enough hours.  i don't sleep, i'm not eating right, i'm not taking time for myself. i get home exhausted so i don't want to move; i used to enjoy jogging.  i can't concentrate.  i don't know where to begin to gain control of my life back, so i just don't.  i sit, i stare off, i watch mindless television as my means of escape instead of taking care of myself, my home, my relationship.

my relationship is flatlining. my significant other is becoming nothing more than a roommate - i've been here before and i didn't fix it last time so what makes me feel like i'll be able to this time? i don't know how to fix it.  i always push the most important people away without trying, but at the same time, i give up on trying to make things better.  why do i get to this place where i feel like it's unfixable and there's no point?  shouldn't there be a point?  i'm afraid i don't see it anymore.

maybe i am just meant to be alone.

really, all of my relationships are suffering.  i've had down times - really, really down times.  i've been sad, and i've kept to myself, and i've tried to disappear from the world, but it's never been like this.  now i'm annoyed by the people i used to call my best friends.  i'm not understanding anybody anymore.  i question why people do or don't do things.  i take everything personally and am constantly feeling attacked.  when did i become so judgmental?  when did i become so irritable?  when did i become so hard to love?  i breakdown at every opportunity; for a while it was out of my control.  i've always been sensitive, but this is an entirely new level.

i have always put in too much effort.  i've given too much.  i've tried too hard.  i've been taking for granted, and have been told my worst character trait is that i'm too nice.  i let people walk all over me, take advantage of me, and expect things of me.  i set myself up for this, and now i don't know how to go back.  if i don't plan it, it won't happen.  if i don't reach out, i won't hear from them.  if i don't put in the effort our friendship will fail.  why is it always on me?

i have a problem with control, and this is something i am aware of but i don't know how to change.  i like knowing all of the details, having an idea of what to expect, and getting my way.  i like knowing where my money is going, because i don't have hardly enough of it.  i like making the plans so that i know it's within my means, and it'll include the people i wish to see and no one who makes me uncomfortable.  i like that feeling of accomplishment, and being appreciated for my work.  lately i haven't felt appreciated.  lately i feel like everything is expected of me, and when it doesn't happen, i'm to blame.  lately i've put too much pressure on myself.

i've feeling more regretful recently than i have in a very long time.  if i could only go back...if i could only have done this, or that, i wouldn't be where i am today, i wouldn't be struggling and i wouldn't feel like i'm watching my whole world unravel.  i know i can't change the past, i know that i can only move forward, i just need to find the motivation to keep moving forward, to put on those running shoes, to write that cover letter, to have that conversation.  i need to be the one to decide to put that smile on my face, to stop taking everything so personally, to not let certain things impact me the way they have been.  i need to be the one to decide when it's time to make things right, to make a change for the better, to take back the control of the one thing i should have full control over - my life.  i have nothing to be so upset about.

i just need to believe it."