I feel as though I'm really losing it this time. I am 45 years old with two beautiful children. I have suffered from depression since I was 14 and tried to commit suicide, I ended up in a coma and started treatment shortly there after. I started having panic attacks about 9 years ago while going thru a divorce. I went to counseling and medicine and responded fairly well I thought.
We don't really know each other and therefore with our badly organized assumptions we just do what we think is right to do. I have been that person for a while now whom people tried to reach to solve a problem which they thought they could fix and which I did not let happen. As many of you would, I have my hearth brokenness and I am very proud of it because without it, I would not be the person who I am now. And until recently I was okay with my being since it was not hurting anyone.
I have had good days but also a lot of bad days.
This illness is so frustrating because with the help of meds my symptoms will diminish for months then out of the blue for no reason they will come back full force.
I feel worthless and stupid and inferior to those around me.
It’s 4:17 A.M. and I can’t seem to get out of my own head.
I was 14. The guy I was dating (for a year and a half at this point) told me how terrible I was.. the way I looked to the way i laughed. He controlled my friends, my social media, and the activities I did, but it was followed by three words I LOVE YOU.
Like no matter what I do, I cannot find myself swimming to the top. There is too much stuff weighting me down.
"Smile honey, no one likes a frown."
Be strong when others find themselves weak.
"Sweetie, dressing like that will get you no where."
I feel like inside I am going to explode.
"Baby girl, guys don't like you."
I turned 25 in January of this year. That’s a turning point in your life. A birthday to reflect on your past, lessons learned and future hopes of the person you want to become. While spending some time reflecting on my life, one lesson, one story stuck out; and given that it is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I have decided to share that story.
Over the past year I have been through so many life changes. I’ve been through heartbreak, failures at work, my body physically breaking down, death of significant people in my life… you name it. All of that can take its toll on you. It has taken its toll on me physically, mentally, and above all, emotionally. But the crazy thing about all that negative stuff happening is that there is so much positivity that surrounds it if we choose to look at it though that lens.
I may have finally reached my breaking point. After 24 years I think I might have finally lost my patience with people, and the things they do. I remember the first time I was lied to. I was five when I first discovered that Santa Claus wasn't real. The little white lie that most parents tell their children snowballed into a full blown scandal. I couldn't believe that they would lie to me about something so arbitrary, and too this day I am still filled the same sense of betrayal when someone goes back on their word.
All this time anxiety had me thinking everyone hated me when it was only ever me hating the person I was with anxiety.
Growing up I had the best mom, at least that’s what i thought. Around 18, she stopped showing up at home because of another man. I was kicked out of my house, sent off to college and left figuring out life without my “best friend”. We tried reconciling our differences over the years but I was always blamed for her never having a childhood because I was born when she was 16. Mostly during these blames and fights, she was intoxicated which only made things 100x worse. I will always be her issue, even if she “loves” me.
When I was 21, one of my favorite authors and speakers, Frank Warren, came to my college to talk about Post Secret-- a project he started to encourage strangers to anonymously share their innermost secrets with him. Those secrets then became art exhibits, social media posts and, most importantly, books. These books changed my life. Reading them was the very first time I didn’t feel alone in my mental illness.
Who f*cked you up so badly that you don't even know the word: happy.
I've been in love with a woman for going on 4 years it's been one heck of a roller coaster ride we start off in love things go great for a couple months then alcohol gets involved we say hurtful things she's leaves we split up that's been the cycle for almost 4 years now
I was 10 years old when my parent's separated. My dad would not only beat on my mom, but my siblings and I as well. My sister started self harming when I was about 11, I guess I kind of picked it up from her.
To the little lady loves in my life.
I have written you before. I know this. But there is stuff I need to tell you because it keeps circling in my brain and as you get older, you will come to realize that when your aunt has something on her mind, it won’t be silenced until she gets it off of her chest.
DUI. Three simple letters that completely turns one or more lives upside down. In that case, it is my husband and myself. My husband received his second DUI in February 2017, just under two years before his previous offense. Almost a whole year later, and we're still suffering from his actions.
When I was 12, I always told myself, "I don't think I'm going to make it to 15". To this day, I'm still surprised I made it, I'm 15 right now, going to be 16 on Saint's Patrick's Day. Ironic huh? Luckiest day of the year, but no luck to be found on a person born on it.